40AS Guide to the Bowl Season: Part I

Many people are going to give you a lot of baloney with their "analysis" of which bowls you should watch and why. We, on the other hand, will give you exactly what you want: a ridiculously brief synopsis of each bowl game, including each game's big storylines, players to watch for, and why you should (or shouldn't) watch--all provided in the form of comparing each game to a characteror reference from popular TV or movies. This way you can not waste your valuable time but know what to watch. Here you go (our comments in bold and italics)...

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia

Utah vs. Navy

ESPN HD

Popeye: Because he's a sailor-man, and we're pulling for Navy. Obviously.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
ESPN2 HD

"Sports Night:" This may, in the end, turn out to be a very entertaining and close game. But it won't matter, because no one will be watching. Including people in Memphis, who will be too busy getting pumped for the upcoming roundball showdown with the Hoyas.

Papajohns.com Bowl

Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
ESPN2 HD

The Noid -- This is the closest we're going to come to a Dominospizza.com Bowl.

New Mexico

Nevada vs. New Mexico
ESPN HD

Rob Schneider is "The Carrot" -- Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb

Pioneer Las Vegas

UCLA vs. BYU
ESPN HD

Gary -- Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

Sheraton Hawaii

Boise State vs. East Carolina
ESPN

Steve the Pirate: In "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story," the good guy underdogs beat the bad guy favorites in the final showdown. Just like the good guy Broncs beat the sooners last year. Also, East Carolina is the Pirates. This one is airtight.

Motor City

Purdue vs. Central Michigan
ESPN HD

Pete from "Rudy": There is a scene early in the movie when young Pete requests that the TV be switched to watch some of the Indiana-Purdue game at halftime of the Notre Dame game. He is told that is not a possibility because "we only watch one team in this house." Listen up, Ruettiger family: either broaden your horizons, or your college football watching is over until next season.

Pacific Life Holiday

Arizona State vs. Texas
ESPN HD

George from "Seinfeld:" You know that George is a terrible person, and you shouldn't care if his life sucks. But somehow, you always pull for him to do well. We know we ought not to care so much about this game, but...well, we have a disease.