December 5, 2007


(Editor's note: we welcome back occasional guest columnist and regular commenter jbrater with a word on why his Detroit Tigers may now compete for the right to lose to your defending world champion Boston Red Sox in the ALCS in 2008)

Hannukah came early this year! Wait, actually, it came right on time.
We interrupt this regularly scheduled reality to bring you a world in which the Detroit Tigers control all human life.

It started innocently enough, when Jim Leyland, if rumors are to be believed, walked into the Marlins office in Nashville and said "We want Cabrera." Anybody who knows anybody who knows anything about Jim Leyland knows that if Jimmy Leyland says he wants something, odds are Jimmy Leyland is gonna get said thing.

Leyland gets what leyland wants

I, like most of the at-that-time-still-in-tact universe, was not, however, aware of this exchange, and so I assumed the the rumors trickling out about a cabrera/Willis for Miller/Maybin + whatever remains of the Tigers Farm System was little more than the Tigers pulling a Steinbrenner and getting involved in negotions to drive up the price for the White Sox or Angels.
Well... turns our there was a little more to it than that. The deal is done. The Tigers are unstoppable.

Now although the Red Sox don't usually receive much attention in major media outlets, some may speculate that the world series champs plus Santana make a pretty freaking formidable squad. They are correct.
And now... look at this lineup:
1) Granderson - CF
2) Polanco - 2B
3) Cabrera - 3B
4) Sheffield - DH
5) Ordonez - RF
6) Guillen - 1B
7) Renteria - SS
8) Jones - LF
9) Rodriguez - C

Right now I'm seriously considering drafting those guys as my fantasy team. The problem is, I wouldn't be able to, because at least 6 of them would go in the first two rounds. This is a lineup with 7 all-stars, 1 future all star, and Jacque Jones. This lineup will shatter every offensive record in the books.

I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since ridiculous day at the deli... when prices were so low, it was ridiculous.

This, ladies and gentleman, is the beast of the apocalpyse. Call Batman. Get Beowulf. Dial up Chuck Norris. We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Imagine a word in which the Detroit Tigers control everything. A word in which a shadowy entity controls all life, and to step out of line is to perish. A dystopian realm of misery and madness.
Big brother is watching you
What's the name of that story, again?
It's coming to me...

It's coming to me...

Oh yeah.



Ben said...

Tigers rule. While I was and still am unbelievably happy my Saint Louis Cardinals won the World Series, I have always loved the Tigers (my AL team). Being born in Detroit and all my family there kept the ties to the city strong, hence the Wolverine in me. But alas, I moved to STL when i was but 2 years old. And now, as the Cards face a rough year or two, el Tigres shall dominate the AL Central. The only shame is Dontrelle might not get to hit!

Go Tigers!

Hannah said...'re wasting your time on capitol hill.